


hypothetically speaking....

by sirnando



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirnando/pseuds/sirnando
Summary: It started with a question. “If I were to hypothetically ask you to be my boyfriend, would you hypothetically say yes?” Sergio to Cristiano. And Cristiano had been taken aback by the abruptness of the question, but the answer had been balancing on the tip of his tongue for a while now for some reason. So he answered “Of course,” as quickly as Sergio had asked.





	hypothetically speaking....

It started with a question. “If I were to hypothetically ask you to be my boyfriend, would you hypothetically say yes?” Sergio to Cristiano. And Cristiano had been taken aback by the abruptness of the question, but the answer had been balancing on the tip of his tongue for a while now for some reason. So he answered “Of course,” as quickly as Sergio had asked.

And that settled it. They hypothetically started dating. Isco asked why they didn’t just call it “fake dating” and the rest of the team asked why the were doing it at all. Neither had a proper response to either question. 

-

There was a general interest in the relationship at first. People kept asking about where they went and what they did. The latter was always finished off with a wink. 

Who slept on which side of the bed? Who was the bigger snorer? Was there someone who preferred doing the laundry over the other? “Are you going to have a baby? You know, since it’s hypothetical, hypothetically one of you could be pregnant.” Carvajal asked that one and offered one of the hundreds of old dolls he had stored up in the attic. 

Both Sergio and Cris politely declined. If they decided to have a hypothetical baby, they were going to buy a real one on their own time. Dani seemed extremely disheartened, but the exchange inspired Sergio to send _No more questions about private matters please_ to their group chat. 

-

They made a list of things couples did together on TV or what they had done in previous relationships, because one week into it and they’d run out of hypothetical activities.

The list, unfortunately, was quite short. _Go shopping. Watch a movie. Have a dramatic fight with plate breaking. Find out your husband has a mistress. Wash the dishes. Make breakfast. Sex._

They crossed out what they had done already. Watching a movie happened on the second night. Washing the dishes was in general going to be a no, because they both had a dishwasher. Microwavable breakfast burritos existed and should be consumed. Ironically Cris had a mistress on the Sims game they played together. The fridge was full of food to last them another month.

So that left fight and sex.

 -

Sergio hauled old plates from his basement that his mom wanted to throw away. “But we’re doing it outside,” because he didn’t want to clean up the mess afterwards.

“What’re we fighting about?” Cristiano asked. Sergio shrugged, “How about the mistress?” 

And so they fought out on Sergio’s patio, screaming obscenities at one another. Sergio smashed the first plate, Cristiano the second, on and on until the yelling transformed into laughing and there were no plates left. 

Cris picked up the list after they’d returned inside. One item left. So they stared blankly at the sheet of paper until Sergio said _I’m hungry_ , Cris agreed and the list was thrown into the trash. 

- 

Sergio brought a bottle of grape juice over to Cristiano’s one evening. They had already made it tradition to eat a fancy dinner once a week together, but Sergio decided to increase the fancy level a bit. “It’s grape juice,” he assured when Cris raised his eyebrows at the wine bottle. Which was a wine bottle, but Sergio had drunk it all throughout the day and just poured the grape juice inside.

He’d watered the wine down, no worries he said when Cris raised his eyebrows. But not even water could save him from tripping over the door ledge as he stumbled in. Cris caught him. “And _that’s_ why I chose you as hypothetical boyfriend.” 

- 

“Hypothetically speaking, I have a gorgeous boyfriend. The steam from your broccoli really enhances your eyes.”

Cristiano blushed from across the table. “Well, you’re equally as hypothetically gorgeous. And I must say your tie does a wonderful job at drawing attention away from your crooked nose.”

 _How romantic._ The tie was light up, a switch attached to the back. He’d managed to electrocute himself with it in fact. It happened at Luka’s bachelor party: there was a pool. Sergio was desperate to make a Magic Mike moment, so the shirt came off, the tie stayed on and in Sergio jumped.

He was fine, just a few scorch marks on his chest that coconut oil fixed three months later.

The dinner was delicious. Chinese takeout really was always a culinary blowjob, as Sergio repeated. And the grape juice was a perfect addition.

Cris escorted Sergio to the door, hugged as friends did and yelled “Goodbye, love!” after Sergio. Added a meek “Hypothetical!” when Sergio turned around with wide eyes.

-

The most commonly used phrase used became “If we were real dating,”. They attached it to every sentence.

_Well, if we were real dating I’d buy you that sequin tie. If we were real dating I’d prepare you breakfast in bed. I’d kiss you right now if we were real dating._

The last one slipped from between Cristiano’s lips. They’d been sipping cheap, mixed drinks from a can, both heads growing fuzzier. That meant it was Sergio’s prime humor time. Which meant he just recited the funny videos they’d been watching that morning, but used goofy voices and accents and _that_ meant that Cristiano was laughing till no noise escaped. Obviously, there was nothing funnier on earth.

He said it on accident, voiced the fizzy thoughts in his head, but the moment of silence was followed by more hysterical giggles. They were only hypothetically dating after all.

-

During one of their dinners, Sergio posed the question “So if I were to hypothetically take you on a romantic first date, where would you want to go?”

Cristiano pondered for a moment and answered with: the mountains. Alps, Carpathians, regardless of where. Just a place where he could bundle up in scarves and sweaters for once. A change from the constant heat they were used to. Skiing, roasting marshmallows, snow angels, snowmen. He’d want to go to a winter wonderland where the tip of their noses turned pink and snowflakes coated their lashes. “Maybe even some Austrian yodeling,”

Sergio was taken aback. “Well,” he started, “I’m relieved this was a hypothetical discussion because you have extremely expensive taste.”

The conversation ended abruptly for some reason, Cristiano shoveling food into his mouth so he wouldn’t be able to talk, placing his dishes in the sink and going upstairs. Sergio let himself out.

 -

How long will the dating last? Or is it a marriage type of commitment? It was probably Marcelo who posed the question, but as usual Sergio had no response. He’d allowed a few more questions.

“Four months,” Cristiano answered for him. It had been two. “Sergio discovers that I’m much too demanding and decides to end things over a nice dinner.”

Sergio blinked silently in his direction, while Marcelo decided he’d had enough of this Sims simulation.

-

They didn’t speak for three days, but it was just another hypothetical fight. Sergio would laugh it off whenever someone asked about it— _just another chapter in our hypothetical love story_. This was just a game. They’d still be friends after it all.

But by the fourth day without any contact from Cristiano, panic started setting in. Hypothetical panic, of course, the words echoing in Sergio’s head. He missed the plate crashing argument, that one was much more entertaining.

Another day went by, and another and another and by the seventh Sergio started questioning why these emotions had started to feel much less hypothetical and increasingly real.

-

He found Cris on the bench by the park’s football pitch. The Contemplation Chair as they’d named it.

Sergio sat down silently beside him. “ That’s some green ass grass that they’re growing out here.” No response.

“You know,” he started, “I was only hypothetically criticizing your expensive taste. Realistically mine’s probably more expensive than yours. I mean… have you seen the stuff I buy? Makes yours look like trash bag couture.” Oh. “I didn’t mean-”

“I know what you meant.” and the silence resumed.

But Sergio, with his fidgeting and chronic hyperactivity, had never been a fan of quiet spaces. So he muttered _oh fuck it_ and kissed him.

It tasted like sparkles, Sergio later described.. He’d eaten some when he was younger and that’s exactly how it had tasted: magical.

And Cristiano was the first to pull away, but with a smile on his face. “Now I don’t know what that meant.” Sergio held up his index finger and dug into his pocket. The papers had gotten a bit crumpled, but they could iron them later at home.

Two plane tickets. Destination: Switzerland. “If I were to realistically ask you to be my boyfriend, would you realistically say yes?”.

The “Of course,” had been balancing on the tip of Cristiano’s tongue for a very long while now.


End file.
